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₪₪₪Lisa's Space₪₪₪20 November Nursery RhymesMary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered; And when the price of pork went up, She shot the little bastard. MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB Her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her, Between two hunks of bread. JACK AND JILL Went up the hill To have a little fun. Stupid Jill forgot the pill And now they have a son. SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair. Said Simple Simon to the Pie man, "What have you got there?" Said the Pie man unto Simon, "Pies, you dumb #$%!" HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the kings' horses, And all the kings' men. Had scrambled eggs, For breakfast again. HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle, All over the bedside clock. The little dog laughed to see such fun. Then died of electric shock. GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie, Kissed the girls and made them cry. And when the boys came out to play, He kissed them too 'cause he was gay. There was a little girl who had a little curl Right in the middle of her forehead. When she was good, she was very, very good. But when she was bad........ She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car. Thanks Cindy  13 November speedingA police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60 perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control." As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did." As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?" The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket." The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving." And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??" The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?" "Only when he's been drinking." 11 November Laurens idea of fun lolwhat a boring week and a half!!!
Been sick since Halloween( Maybe somebody sneezed on my candy:P) Luckily, Lauren didnt get as sick as me. She caught it 5 days after me and is already better:) but anyways, thast not what I wanted to write about 2-3 weeks ago I was sitting in my room. Lauren was in hers playing. She started laughing hysterically which I though nothing of because my cat was in there and she loves to watch him chase string, About 2 mins later she comes running up to me "MOMMY MOMMY!! Izzys all wet!!! Izzy's all wet!!" I was thinking " wtf?!?how would that happen, the bathroom door is closed" So I of course got up to investigate. Seen my cat in the hall. He was indeed all wet. Looked in her room. there was a few wet drops on the floor but nothing that would have gotten him as wet as he was. I couldnt find anything so I thought back to what my cat had been doing before Lauren started laughing. He was sleeping on her couch. I checked her couchand sure enough it was very wet where he had been sleeping. Can you guess what she did???
While my poor puss was sleeping peacefully My daughter thought it would be really funny to stand over him while he was sleeping and PEE all over him!!! He was none too happy with her for the rest of the day. I called him my little'pissy'cat all week lol SoThen after that (same day) Lauren was playing in the bathroom. She was being good but I had to pee so I asked her to come out. She did as she was asked but kinda locked the door behind her! and for everyones info I dont have one of those knobs that have a little hole in it to unlock it from the outside. SO my mom and I have to use chisel and hammer to get under the molding to try and jimmy it open. Was no easy task. We were trying to kick and throw ourselves against the door. I was getting frustrated as hell cuz I really had to go. So I threw myself into it one last time and it flew open. I hit it with such force that when it popped open I flew past the toilet and right into the wall stepping on a screwnail that had fallen from the door on the way. Damn that hurt. My mom thought it was great and was standing there nearly peeing herself laughing as my foot bled. That was quite a day:P Yesterday I went downstairs to make myself a Tea
5mins later I was back upstairs. Lauren was in her room with the door closed. At the time I really didnt think anything of it. I sat down and had a few sips and began to wonder why I hadnt heard any noise from Laurens end. Started to get a little nervous cuz any parent knows silence means trouble. Went and opened her door......  She was standing beside her couch with a can of air freshener. She was just standing there with the button held down letting it totally coat her! her whole front was soaked. Her hair was white from it! She looked at my face for any signs of anger. When she seen none she started laughing " Look at ME mommy "I freaked out a little " Dont touch your eyes!! Dont touch your eyes!!!" And after second thought " Dont touch mommys eyes either!!!" Im clued in to how little kids think " if its not safe for my eyes maybe I could test out why on mommy's eyes...." How she didnt get any into her eyes is beyond me. It was practically spraying right into her face. Im just glad she didnt soak my cat ,lol So I threw her into the bath and washed her all up. After I had gotten her outta the bath the phone rang so I went to answer it. She put her toys away and came out closing the door behind her LOCKED!!! This time I didnt have to pee so I wasnt so frantic to open it:P My mom however did lol she managed to get it open this time. We were in there cleaning up the mess( a few wood splinters) when we were finished we kicked out Lauren first just to be sure she didnt push the lock again. I closed the door behind me LOCKED!!!!!!!! ARRRRRGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! I had forgotten to turn the knob to unlock when i had forced it open. So had to kick the door down again. It's quite easy now LOL with all the damage that had been done. The super is coming monday to put a new knob that has the release on the outside. Damn doesnt seem to be much point now lol. A Few JokesAussie In Japan
An Australian businessman goes to Japan to negotiate a deal . On his first night his obiliging hosts take him to a high class brothel, where he is given a choice of women. He retires to a room, climbs aboard and give his prostitute a red-hot go, finishes up, and leaves. On his way out he asks the madam, "Excuse me, the girl was fantastic, aboslutely brilliant. But tell me one thing- on every downstroke , she'd scrunch up her face and yell 'WARAMAKAZI !, WARAMAKAZI !, It was amazing Tell me what does it mean ? " The madam seems embarrassed, but manages to tell the man that the word means " Very Good" .
Happy the man goes to his hotel. The next day his hosts take him golfing. On the second tee, his Japanese host hits an amazing drive down the middle of the fairway which bounces twice on the green and trickles into the cup for a perfect ace. The Australian businessman turns and yells "WARAMAKAZI !, WARAMAKAZI !" His hosts turns and says, "What do you mean, wrong hole ?" Aussie Love Poem
Of Course I Love Ya Darling Your A Bloody Top Notch Bird And When I Say Your Gorgeous I Mean Every Single Word So Ya Bum Is On The Big Side I Dont Mind A Bit Of Flab It Means That When I'm Ready Theres Somethin There To Grab So Your Belly Isnt Flat No More I Tell Ya, I Dont Care So Long As When I Cuddle Ya I Can Get My Arms Around There No Sheila Who Is Your Age Has Nice Round Perky Breasts They Just Gave Into Gravity But I Know Ya Did Ya Best Im Tellin Ya The Truth Now I Never Tell Ya Lies I Think Its Very Sexy That Youv Got Dimples On Ya Thighs I Swear On Me Nannas Grave Now The Moment That We Met I Thought U Was As Good As I Was Ever Gonna Get No Matter Wot U Look Like Ill Always Love Ya Dear Now Shut Up While The Footys On And Get Me Another Beer! Facts About Men
1. What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy. 2. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be Hell. 3. Why do men like smart women? Opposites attract. 4. How do men exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini. 5. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes. 6. How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one. 7. How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs. 8. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? ONE...He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him. 9. What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better. 10. What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant? Any place without a drive-up window. 11. What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted. 12. What do you with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him. 13. What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it. 14. What's a mans' idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name. 15. What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..." 16. Why are all dumb blond jokes one liners? So men can understand them. 17. Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts. 18. Why do men need instant replay on TV sports? Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened. 19. Why is it good that there are female astronauts? When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for directions. 20. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women? When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there. 21. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? They all already have boyfriends. 30 September A Fly, A Fish, A Bear, A Hunter, A Mouse, And A CatIn the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. The hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh...if I go down five inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed." There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down five inches, I can eat him." There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down five inches that fish will jump for the fly...and I will grab him!" It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich.... "Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down five inches...and that fish leaps for it...that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch." Now, you probably think this is enough activity on one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there's more.... A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh if that fly goes down five inches...and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish...the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich " A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, (as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time)' Gosh...if that fly goes down five inches..and that fish jumps for that fly . . and that bear grabs for that fish and that hunter shoots that bear...and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich ... then I can have mouse for lunch." The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water. The fish swallows the fly... The bear grabs the fish... The hunter shoots the bear.. The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich... The cat jumps for the mouse.. The mouse ducks...The cat falls into the water and drowns. The moral of the story is: Whenever a fly goes down five inches, some pussy is in serious danger. 26 September ChocolatesFor all of you who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you open a box of chocolates: :-)
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a white bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What in bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the white bag and said, "It's a box of chocolates. I got it for my husband".
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: "Good trade" 29 August Morning GolfBob's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home. 'Hello?', says a little girl's voice. 'Hi, honey, it's Daddy', says Bob. 'Is Mummy near the phone'? 'No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank.' After a brief pause, Bob says, 'But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!' 'Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mummy!' 'Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do . put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mummy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house'. 'Okay, Daddy'. A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. 'Well, I did what you said, Daddy!' ' And what happened?' 'Well, Mummy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead'. 'Oh, my God .. and what about Uncle Frank?' 'He jumped out of bed with no clothes on, too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead, too'. There is a long pause, then Bob says .....'Swimming pool? Is this 862-2357?!!! 03 August Crack A SmileTwo tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in. 18 July Blue GirlLast night i was VERY tired and was feeling quite dizzy so i decided to hop into bed at 10pm (I havent gone to bed that early since i had a bedtime lol)
well at around 1130ish Lauren comes into my room and wakes me up( scared me actually cuz its only her second night in her new bed and im not used to seeing her outta bed at night) "Mommy Mommy" "Okay Mommys up(kinda) whats wrong?" Come Mommy" "Okay im coming" I roll outta bed with my eyes still half closed and grab her hand so she can lead me ( Gah, where am I ZZZzzzzzzz) as we get to the hallway my mom comes outta her room and Gasps so loud i thought Lauren must have been bleeding from somewhere. So I look at my mom" What What?!?" and then I look down at Lauren........ Shes covered from head to toe with blue marker!!  She had a nice little design on her forehead, blue eye shadow, blue cheeks, her arms and legs were almost solid blue!! LMAO I probably wouldve put her back into bed with out even noticing if it wasnt for my mom. it all came off very easily thank goodness.(yay crayola) ANYWAYS thats all for now CYA 15 July The Husband Store
I decided to repost this one. I love it
14 July New StudyThere is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses! I thought the results were pretty interesting: 85% of women think their ass is too fat... 10% of women think their ass is too skinny... The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him, he's a good man and they would have married him anyway. 11 July The Best Genie JokeA husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us." So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A large black man reclining on the couch asked,"Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied. "Oh, No apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself." "Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life! And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said. "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!" "And now," the couple asked in unison, "What's your wish, genie?" "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife." The husband looked at his wife and said,"Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune and all those houses. What do you think?" She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?" "You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!" So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?" "Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly. "No Kidding" he said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?" Ferrari vs. The MopedA doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500 000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?" The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!" "That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the doctor proudly The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?" "No problem," replies the doctor. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right.............but I'll stick with my Moped!" Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it s the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH! He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do! Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh My Gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man whispers, "Unhook my suspenders from your .. side view mirror." 09 July One Morning The Husband...One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, 08 July The Speeding TicketA police officer pulled a guy over for speeding. Officer: May I see your drivers license? Driver: I dont have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI. Officer: May I see the owners card for this vehicle? Driver: Its not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen? Driver: Thats right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owners card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there. Officer: Theres a gun in the glove box? Driver: Yes sir. Thats where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk. Officer: Theres a BODY in the TRUNK??? Driver: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation: Captain: Sir, can I see your license? Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid. Captain: Whos car is this? Driver: Its mine, officer. Heres the owner card. The driver owned the car. Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if theres a gun in it? Driver: Yes, sir, but theres no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box. Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said theres a body in it. Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body. Captain: I dont understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didnt have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk. Driver: Yeah, Ill bet the lying son of a bitch told you I was speeding, too. 01 July ComputersA language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?" The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was composed of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because: 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you might have had a better model. The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. 11 June Why Why WhyLauren has entered the 'Why' stage.
It's amazing how many times you can hear the same question in one day(or should I say one conversation). "What are you doing Mommy?" "I'm washing your blankets" "Why?" "Because you wet the bed last night" "Why?" "Because You didn't wake up when you had to pee pee" "Why?" "Because you were in a deep sleep"
"Why?"
"Because we had a busy day yesterday" "Why?"
"because mommy had some errands to run and we wanted to go play in the park afterwards"
"Why?" "Because mommy wanted you to have fun" "Why?" "Because mommy loves you!"
"Why?" It's funny how far off topic we can get. Answering all the 'why's gets a little tiring when you're trying to do something but it's sure as hell better than the "NO!!!" stage! 07 June Q & A1. How Tall Are You Barefoot?
5 foot 6
2. Have You Ever Smoked Heroin? Never! 3. Do You Own A Gun?
Nope and it's a good thing!!
4. Whos Your Best Friend? Amy and Violet (2 are better than one) 5. Do You Get Nervous Before " Meeting The Parents"?
HELL YES!! 6. Who Is Your Favorite Person? My Poppa! 7. Whats Your Favorite Christmas Song? Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer Lol 8. What Do You Prefer To Drink In The Morning?
Orange Juice (or maybe water if I have a hang over  lol)9. Do You Do Push-ups?
ummm I can manage one or two lol 10. Have You Ever Shoplifted? Quite a bit when i was younger not anymore 11. Whats your most liked piece of jewelry? Peridot Ring from my mom
12. Do You Like Painkillers? not unless i need them
13. What is you secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex? I'd prefer to keep that a secret
 14. Do You Own A Knife?
No
15. You Have A.D.D.? Thats what they tell me 16. Whats Your Middle Name? Louise
17. Name 3 Thoughts At This Exact Moment 1. Wish my back didnt hurt 2.Wish i had my licence 3.wish you wanted me too 18. Name the last 3 things you bought
1. Hair Dye
2. Dress For Lauren
3. Lava Cakes
19. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink 1. Dr.Pepper 2. Iced Tea 3. Liquor(any kind) 20.What Time Did You Wake Up Today? 9:43am
21. Plans For Today 1. Take Lauren to the park 2. Make some phone calls 22. Current Worry?
My Poppas Health and of course my life 23. Current Hate? BEING SINGLE!!! 24. Favorite Place To be? My Grandparents house in the summer 25. Least Favorite Place To Be?
Doctors office 26. Where would you like to go? Japan! ( OR anywhere up north. so peaceful and relaxing!!) 27. Do You Own Slippers? yup. Fuzzy Pink and Ugly 28. What shirt are you wearing?
Green shirt that says " Hello I'm Available" Hasnt done me any favors yet LOL 29. Do you burn or tan?
Tan!! 30. Favorite Colour(s) Periwinkle Royal Blue Peacock Blue 31. Would you like to be a pirate? uhhhh.....Sure  32. Last time you had an alcoholic drink?
2 weeks ago 33. What songs do you sing in the shower? Dont sing in the shower 34. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?
Ghosts 35. Whats in your pockets right now? A Lucky Nickel
36. Last Person that made you laugh LAUREN 37. Best bed sheets you had as a child? Strawberry Shortcake 38. How many TVs do you have in your house? 3 39. Who is your loudest friend?
Cindy 40. Does Someone Have A Cruch On You? Heres hoping!
41. Do You Wish On Stars?
All the time! 42. What is your favorite book?
Memoirs Of A Geisha
43. Whats your favorite candy?
SOO many to choose from!! top 3 that come to mind 1. Scotch Mints 2. Gummy Bears
3. Sweet tarts 44. What song do you want played at your wedding? I think I'll find my guy first and go from there Lol
45. What song do you want played at your funeral? Geez what a question! I guess " One Fine Day"
46. What were you doing at 12am last night? Watching Grey's anatomy (season1) 47. What was the first thing you thought when you woke up this morning? " Arrgh Just One More HOUR!!!!" 48. Favorite Song(s)
High- James Blunt Crazy- Gnarls Barkley
SOS(rescue me)- Rihanna
49. Who do you dream of most?
my ex and Amy ( seperately and not very often lol) 50. Pet Peeves? People who lie People with B. O. Ewwww Vain people 17 April RandomnessApples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.(Ewww!!)
The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer.
Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times. The albatross drinks sea water. It has a special Cats purr at 26 cycles per second, the same as an idling diesel engine. Adolf Hitler's mother seriously considered having an abortion
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why. Cat's urine glows under a black light.
When opossums are playing 'possum', they are not "playing." If you could count the number of times a cricket chirps in one minute, divide by 2, add 9 and divide by 2 again, you would have the correct temperature in Celsius degrees Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier!!" 06 April Black TesticlesA male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour,surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!" The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...... ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK!!!!!!" $5000 or $150?lol
A Canadian and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. The Phone CallThe phone rings and the lady of the house answers,
"Hello". "Mrs. Ward, please." "Speaking." "Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Stevens at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible." "What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously. "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's." "That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward. "Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time." "Well, what am I supposed to do now?" "The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him." 01 April Things You Should Know But Probably Don't**************************************** ****
 1. Money isn't made out of paper; it's made out of cotton. 2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.
3. The dot over the letter i is called a "tittle". 4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top. 5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller. 6. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals. 7. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled 8. The spot on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino. 9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily. 10. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister. 11. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog. 12. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the sharks stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode. 13. Most lipstick contains fish scales (eeww). 14 . Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants. 15. Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as medicine. 16. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters. 17. Leonardo Da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time, hence, multi-tasking was invented.) 18. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood. 19. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos. 20. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before! 21. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver. 22. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips. 23. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad an sting itself to death. 24. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was a Captain Kirk's mask painted white. 25. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar (good to know.) 26. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand (and you thought this list was completely useless.) 27. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb. 28. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola. 29. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples! 30. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying! 31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher. 32. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries. 33. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it. 34. George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart . "Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. O. J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the ONE woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and they haul her fanny off to jail." 30 March Burning CaloriesSex is the most practical and funniest way of losing weight Look how many calories you can burn:
TAKING OFF THE CLOTHES With her agreement - 12 cal Without her agreement - 187 cal TAKING OFF THE BRA With both hands - 8 cal With one hand - 12 cal With one hand being slapped - 37 cal With the mouth - 85 cal PUTTING ON THE CONDOM With erection - 6 cal Without erection - 315 cal PRELIMINARIES Trying to find the clitoris - 8 cal Trying to find G spot - 92 cal Without caring at all - 0 cal WHEN DOING IT Holding her up - 12 cal Just on the floor - 8 cal POSITIONS Daddy-mummy - 12 cal 69 laying - 8 cal 69 standing up - 112 cal Trolley - 216 cal Italian chandelier - 912 cal HAVING AN ORGASM Real - 112 cal Fake - 315 cal POST ORGASM Staying in bed - 8 cal Jumping off the bed - 36 cal Explaining why you jumped off the bed -816 cal GETTING THE SECOND ERECTION Between 16 and 19 years of age -12 cal from 20 to 29 - 36 cal from 30 to 39 - 108 cal from 40 to 49 - 324 cal from 50 to 59 - 972 cal over 60 - 2916 cal PUTTING ON THE CLOTHES Quietly - 32 cal Being in a hurry - 98 cal With her husband opening the door- 218 cal 28 March Most Embarrasing"While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving *right now*, she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee pee last night!" "The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter." |
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